I am married with children. My husband and I are doing our best to raise open minded, caring, happy kids. But we are realistic, so we are keeping records of our shortcomings for the therapists they'll surely need in the future.
Problem is... Wait for it... There isn't actually a job... YET.
VNR is in charge of the retail merchandisers for MRC and knows that soon she would be getting a few new stores in her territory because of corporate buy outs and renovations. Problem is MRC does not feel it necessary to tell VNR when these renovations will actually be completed. VNR decided to meet me and gauge how desperate I am to return to the workforce. In other words, would I be willing to wait around in limbo until she had a store to give to me? Hell to the YES! Eventually is my dream come true. Because as you all know, the idea of extra income from a job sounds good in theory, but actually having to work for said money isn't as appealing. To me at least. Anyway, as an act of good faith that the position that isn't would eventually be mine she gave me new hire paperwork to fill out and return to her at my leisure.
And now for the kicker, confession, deeply shameful truth. I can not turn in said paperwork because I have no idea in hell where my social security card is. Oh and did I mention I do know that where ever it is both my daughters cards are with it? I can just see the three of them in my bedroom just laughing those 9 little digits right off as I bang my head against the wall trying to remember when I last saw them. Seriously people, who the hell KNOWS that they have LOST something in their own home? I swear my house is a black hole for paper work, batteries, tape and divorced socks.
How do I know that they are most definitely in my house? Oh, you'll love this. I used to carry them all in my purse, so when I had to fill out important doctor or school paperwork I would have them right there. The model of efficiency, that was me. Then one day on the radio I heard some freakin bozo say one should never carry their social security cards with them, identity theft and all that shit. So being the responsible adult I am, I came home and promptly tucked away said cards. Apparently I hid them so well that I'm not even sure of my own identity any longer. If I could remember who that idiot on the radio was, I would hunt him down and kick his ass! Because I have not lost or even misplaced temporarily my purse, wallet or any contents there of since that one drunken night in college (whole 'nother post), but I sure as hell can not find those 3 crafty little cards anywhere.
Part two of this horribly embarrassing confession. Dear gracious, just when you thought I couldn't embarrass myself further, there is more. Not only do I not know where the pretty blue cards are off drinking and whoring around, but I spent over an hour Sunday night searching for them. Then.I.Gave.Up.
See I have this habit of collecting mail, school notices, pictures the kids drew, old Christmas cards, receipts, anything written on paper on the kitchen counter by my phone. The smaller items like business cards, extra insurance cards, scraps of paper with unidentified phone numbers on them get shoved in the junk drawer below the phone, not to be confused with the junk drawers elsewhere in the house. All this is with the good intention of sorting through said crap later and saving the important stuff. Then inevitably the inlaws are coming to visit and I can't see the phone for all the paper accumulated in front of it and the drawer won't shut because it's so full. So do I take time to go through it? Hell no, they are on their way. I grab a plastic grocery bag, throw everything in and put it in a box in my bedroom or closet. Yeah, huh. I do!
Now lets sit and ponder how many of these accumulations there must be in my house after living here 5 years. Okay, sometimes I actually go through the pile on the counter. But those ones that got stashed away? Still.In.My.Room. What are the odds that those illusive little blue cards got put in the junk drawer for safe keeping? And then shoved into an environmentally unfriendly bag never to see the light of day again? I'd say 50/50. Good enough that I rifled through the bags Sunday. And NO, hell NO, I didn't take that time to actually sort through and throw out anything. Did you forget I was looking for the freakin social security cards?
Wait, there's more. I know! This of course leaves a 50% chance that those cards were actually hidden somewhere safe. Like say my Bible. That sounds like a place I would have tucked them to keep them out of trouble. Now if I could just figure out where the Bible is.
I should just stop now, huh? You've lost all respect for me haven't you? Just in case you haven't, or even if you have, tomorrow I think I give you a list of things I did find while hunting. That is sure to seal the deal.
Anyone want to fess up this week? Look at it this way, you'll look like positively competent adults compared to me.