You know how that MacGyver guy defused a highly advanced nuclear warhead using a paper clip to short circuit the timing device? Me neither, since I never really watched the show... but I'm sure it was exactly like that. Except for a whole hellavu a lot more laughing and someone was screaming like a girl. Yeah, um that might have been me.

Now let me set the record straight, I still think my dear hubby should've come to rescue me, his damsel in distress. Alas, he thought a little thing called his job was more important, which of course had me cursing his name A LOT. So the we in this scenario refers to me and Drama. And let me tell you, Drama is one of the bestest friends a girl could EVAH have! Really, you think your friends might be better than my friend? Would they come over to your house and spend the afternoon helping you wrangle a 2 1/2 foot snake? Nope, didn't think so. I so WIN!

Yep, you read that right. There was "A big ass black snake in my kitchen!" I believe that's what I was yelling in my cell phone from the safety of my garage to Drama. I can't be certain seeing as the hysteria took over as soon as I realized her husband, who usually works from home (by the way he enjoys getting phone calls from the local mommies to trap lizards and kill bugs, really he does!) was out of town until that evening. The hell! What good is that man if his isn't at home?! The phone ... so not necessary. Drama lives around the block, and I'm sure could have heard me had she just stood near her back door. And I'm going take this opportunity to come clean right now and tell everyone I am not near as good a friend as she is! I so would've gone with a "good luck with that" and a hearty laugh had the situation be reversed. But for reasons not understood, yet greatly appreciated by me, Drama took my call as the cry for help it was. And damned if she didn't drag herself and her mismatched shoe wearing small child over to my house to figure out how to trap a snake. And that ladies and gentlemen is how Drama ended up my partner, part of my WE, in the escapades that spawned the Riddle Me This featurettes.

So Drama comes over with the biggest freakin flashlight I've ever seen. Because apparently first, she had to confirm presence of said Big Ass Black Snake. Like I'd lie! Of course he found a lovely spot in the dead space between two of my kitchen cabinets to hide in. I did take picture of where we found him, but I'm serious when I say I don't know what was scarier the snake under the counter or the dirt, therefore that piece of evidence has been destroyed.

Don't worry there are other pictures of Mr. Snake. Because while I say we, what I should really be saying is Drama wrangled a snake in my kitchen while I took a shitload of pictures and video and handed her things. Oh, I also tended to a few boo boos. Not to worry, not ours. Did I forget to mention we had our little sidekicks, her almost 4 year old and my 5 year old running around? I'm sure you can imagine just how helpful this was, "Where is the snake?" "I can't SEE HIM under there!" "Let him out" "We're hungry" "SHE WON'T SHARE!" while trying to convince Mr. Snake to slither out of his protective space and out the door.

Here's how it went down. Short of pulling the faux wood kick plates off my cabinets we really had NO idea what to do. I thought maybe we could just put some tape over the hole he entered through and wait for my hubby to come home from work and take care of things. Then my ever so helpful partner in this thing called life, says to me, his slightly hysterical wife, "But what if there's a hole somewhere you can't see and he gets out?" "Really? Well, if you think that's possible maybe you should come home NOW!" was my response. Okay, add a few select curse words where ever you deem necessary, use your imaginations people, and that's how I really replied before I hung up on his ass! Damned if the man didn't have a point though.

As it turns out Drama found that the wall of the cabinet under my kitchen sink only went about 3/4 of the way to the top. Leaving a gap large enough to stick her hand, and my camera through, among other things, but I'm jumping ahead here. And yes, Drama was practically sitting under my kitchen sink to take this picture. I TOLD ya'll she was a good friend.

This of course made it imperative for us to figure out how to coax out the snake and trap him, before he slithered out of the cabinets and into some unthinkable place in my house... just waiting to give me a heart attack.

We figured the best way to get him out was to irritate the hell out of him. Did I mention that although we wanted to get him out no one actually wanted to be too close to him or actually, oh dear, TOUCH him! Drama was completely ready to step on him if necessary though. Did I mention GOOD FRIEND?! Thus, how we came up with the idea of throwing things through the space under the sink at him. Now keep in mind the space he is in is not really accessible by us, so it had to be something we could a) live without forevah and b) would not melt, ooze, or stink any time in the next 100 years give or take. This is where the pennies come in. Yes, we threw pennies at Mr. Snake. And as they bounced off the walls and concrete floor it sounded like this... clink. When one hit Mr. Snake it sounded like this... thud. OMG! The more pennies we - who am I kidding here? She threw. The funnier this got. We seriously had to make frequent trips to the bathroom (we have given birth to 5 kids between us, give us a break here) to keep from peeing our pants. Sure enough this did get Mr. Snake to stick his head back out the hole and flick his tongue at us. But he wasn't ticked off enough at us to come out and brave the kitchen. The carpet freshener was another irritant we figured couldn't hurt to pour in there to get him to move. Well, at least my cabinet smells nice. I figured that he wanted to leave the clean linen smelling, penny raining hole, since he kept eyeballing us. But he really had no place else to go, because obviously he would need another dark secluded safe spot. Think I missed my calling as an animal psychologist?

Then I got THE idea. I'm telling you, my only worthwhile contribution to the entire capture was what will forever be referred to as the white trash snake trap. Yep, a pillow case, packing tape and some string, which Drama pointed out I forgot to add in my riddle. (As if that would've given ya'll the hint you needed to figure it all out.) I know! Who knew we were so damned resourceful?! Drama taped the pillowcase over the entrance to the hidey spot then continued the penny toss. I was safely across the room, "watching the pillowcase". Uh huh. After ever few clink, clink, thuds Drama would take a picture in the hole, to see if Mr. Snake was moving towards the trap.

Then she took this photo.

Oh SHIT! Where the HELL did he go?

In my head I was thinking OMG he slithered past the pillowcase and is curled up under the lip of the cabinet.That Drama.Is.Sitting.On! But I didn't say that out loud 'til she had moved. She wasn't amused. Turns out, that no he wasn't under there. He HAD to be in that pillowcase, but we NEVER saw it move. Until... it moved! This would be where someone, um yeah that'd be me, screamed like a girl!

That big ass flashlight came in handy as it was thrown over the open end of the pillowcase to keep Mr. Snake inside while I took some pictures of our fancy trap. Cause I'm helpful like that. Okay, so we hadn't really thought through what happened after we caught him. Because really did you think we would actually catch a snake in a pillowcase? We realized we needed to tie the pillowcase shut and I found some string. This would be where I was yelling at Drama a wee bit. See she was standing on the pillowcase and I didn't want her to move her foot, which of course she was doing so I could get the string tied, but I wasn't exactly rational when that close to a pissed off snake.

After that I took a couple videos like the Riddle Hint while we decided where to let Mr. Snake loose. We tossed the kids in my car, Drama held the string tight on the pillow case and we drove to Mr. Snake's new home. Then we set him free, completely unharmed, but perhaps a bit sweeter smelling. And I threw away an almost perfectly good pillowcase. The End.

Stayed tuned this week for potential additional blog topics that have emerged from the snake adventures. Compelling stories such as "Did you really think I would leave work to come home and catch that snake?" alternate working title "A snake is just a snake, it wasn't poisonous, what's the big deal?" And the
she said rebuttal piece "Dead due to a venomous snake bite or a heart attack. Is.Just.As.DEAD!" And to complete the series I'm thinking of a follow up "Post Traumatic Snake Disorder: Why I have to peek around the door to enter my kitchen."


My snake story is positively tame in comparison. Although mine did end with an $80 aquarium and the weekly feeding of a live mouse.

May 18, 2008 at 1:32 AM  

OMG! That is hilarious!

May 18, 2008 at 2:19 AM  

I'm sorta having a little mini heart attack here for you. I would have died. I would have packed up the kids and left the house and told The Man I wasn't going back in until he showed me evidence that he had caught the snake.

May 18, 2008 at 11:15 AM  

I am with Spazz I would have so been out of there, except for the fact my husband is more scared of mice and snakes and such than I am.
I can't help but laugh with you during this dramatic tale.

May 18, 2008 at 3:51 PM  

This is both funny and SCARY at the same time. I had an intruder like that once (I can't make myself write the word!) and I beat the thing to death with a coat hanger. I got the "it only eats bugs speech" but I was ready to move. grrrr!

May 18, 2008 at 7:20 PM  

Freaking out on your behalf. Instead of elaborate McGyver-like traps, I'm having visions taking a big-ass cleaver to Mr. Snake.

My violent reaction shocks even me, but there it is...

Good on you; your karma is better than mine for sure.

May 18, 2008 at 8:59 PM  

Okay, I might be peeing my pants a little right now just thinking about it again! ROFL!!!

May 19, 2008 at 8:29 AM  

I can't even look at that PHOTO of a snake without screaming like a girl.

May 19, 2008 at 11:11 AM  

Okay, I also wanted to just leave until hubby came home, but damn then we'd have NO idea of where Mr. Snakey was! So I knew I at least had to keep an eye on him, so I might as well try to extract him from my cabinet. And don't anyone be fooled, I talked about KILLING the creature, but Drama talked me down. Not to mention, then I'd just have one more mess to clean up!

May 19, 2008 at 11:24 AM  


The only things worse than snakes are EELS.

May 19, 2008 at 9:47 PM  

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